|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| peace out xanga, thanks for the good times. :)
http://omgoshers.blogspot.com/
| | |
| new yorkers.
i love how every time i come back from new york, i
write an entry about how i love new york. but, it's like falling in
love. you just know. and each and every time, you just know even more.
not that i know anything about falling in love, but new york is pretty
much awesome.
i want to be a new yorker. i really do.
they are individuals.
perhaps by living in a crazy city, where there's a sample of all different types of people from all walks of life, they have found who they are. they know themselves and they don't have to hide it. they are real with what they want, and they are not afraid to get it. in a city full of individuals, everybody fits in. you don't have to be self-conscious about how you dress and/or act because nobody will judge you. well, because nobody is looking at you.
new yorkers work hard. i guess to maintain their standard of living.. or maybe just to simply pay for the $2000/month rent. i think though they live a hard life, they wouldn't choose anything else because it's also a GREAT life. they are doing things they love. living a raw life.
i love that. i don't want an easy life, but i want a good life.
living in the midwest.. i've become so
laidback about everything that i've started to lose a sense of who i am. there was that phase when i was so frustrated with people thinking of me as a
mean person that i felt the need to prove otherwise.
"i am really nice!"
and so, i became really "nice".
"nice" in the sense i was ok with letting other
people shape my values, my desires, my life, my identity. nobody should have that power. but i just wanted everyone
to get along and be happy. but seriously, what the heck. i put nice in
quotes because that's not really being nice at all, that's called being
insecure about myself and not having a backbone.
why did i have to do that? i hate how i took everything i
learned in high school and threw it in the trash can because i wanted
to get approval from church people. how ironic. i need to learn to be tough again. to stand firm to what i believe. yes, i still need to grow, and i want to. but that doesn't mean to just become
what people around me say i should be, even if they are older,
wiser, have walked longer with God, or are "higher up" in the church
hierarchy. i don't doubt that they are wiser, have better discernment,
and are more knowledgeable about theology and life. but at the same time, their approvals shouldn't become my idols.
i used to always ask myself:
do i want to be hated by who i am? or do i want to be hated by who i am not?
maybe that doesn't even make sense.. but it's like, if there will always be people who won't like you. would you rather be who you are and be hated by some, or would you rather be someone else and still be hated by some?
i kept reminding myself that i needed to just be real.. but i think i've lost it along the way anyway.
"A tree gives glory to God by being a tree." - Thomas Merton
i dont even know who he is, but i like this quote. i need to learn to be myself again. God doesn't want me to be mother teresa. or oprah. or even pastor min. i need to learn to be me. and let God use that. period.
"to be nobody but yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night
and day, to make you like everybody else, means to fight the hardest
battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." - E.
E. Cummings.
| | |
| the alchemist is a good book to read over and over and over. :)
"Life is the moment we are living right now."
"I'm an adventurer, looking for treasure," he said to himself.
noo more reminiscing purposelessly about the "good old times".
noo more being scurrrred of the future.
not sure what's going to happen, but everything will be okaaaaaaaaaaay.
taking it one day at a time. one day. at. a. time.
i left all of the new year entries, because despite of all of the craziness during the year, they are consistently filled with hope.
hope is so good.
wrote down some goals for the end of 2011. not quite the 5-year plan, but I will be 25 then. (wow) quarter-century years old. seemed like a good place to reevaluate everything.
i can't believe i'm going to france in less than 2 weeks.
i wrote my host-mom an email to introduce myself... and i probably sounded like a 2nd grader.
but, this is what i wanted.
a challenge.
and this is me, learning to live.
not just wondering. thinking. questioning. dreaming.
g'bye!
| | |
| people and companies.
i was reminded of this metaphor in a conversation today, sooo just wanted to share.
the way companies are valued in the world is usually based on perceptions. we learn this in marketing a lot - that many great companies are undervalued because it matters more what the consumers think than what it actually offers. (i.e. if a customer thinks starbucks is way hip compared to dunkin' donuts, it doesn't matter that dunkin' donuts has premium coffee beans. in the mind of the consumer, starbucks can offer something of a higher value). so, the stock of the company goes up if people think it is a good company or if it will (continue to) be a profitable company, which.. then attracts more investors.
similarly, people are also "valued" in this world based on those perceptions. how smart they are, or how cool they are determines how well liked they are. the more popular a person, the more people will be attracted to become friends with them.
but.
the true sustainability of a company is not its perceived value, but its core components. a company can't survive forever on its perceived value; it needs to also focus on its products, services..its processes, and people.
what are the core components of people? our character, our faith, our values.
it's definitely good to have the perceived value, but what good is being well liked if we lack the true sustainability? eventually it will catch up to us if we don't focus on our core. God looks beyond our perceived values for a reason; he looks at our heart because that's the true value.
| | |
| senior class night was sooo blessing... man. i can't believe we are seniors. i can't believe it has been 4 years. it is seriously weird to think that .. after this, there's no more "school". well, i'll still have school, but.. other people, who are actually graduating. haha
we had an open-mic time for people to go up and share - anything funny, awkward, touching, about God's faithfulness, about our class, etc.
man, so i was thinking about my past four years.. here on this campus... and this is what i've come up with.. (took me a couple of days)
i basically came in wanting to get out. i remember thinking that the quad is really pretty- just like how i had imagined college would look like. but that's about it. everything else sucked. i wanted to go to a prestigious ivy league like the rest of my friends, and every semester i thought about transferring. anyway, i heard about cfc through wayne, even before arriving... it was one of the reasons wayne pressured fred and i to apply to u of i in the first place.
anyway, i think up until junior year, i spent much of my time trying to run away from CFC - trying out different fellowships, checking out other churches, joining IV sg.. but none of those really lasted. i didn't like CFC because it didn't fit in with my standard.. why the heck is everybody so uptight. it didn't let me do what i want. what is the big deal with being with the boy i like? why is everyone always trying to break us up? but somehow i always ended up joining a small group and tried to follow the intense cfc weekly schedule. but, i hated the idea that all my friends were from CFC - i felt exclusive, and that i was getting ripped off of a full college experience. i comforted myself by being involved elsewhere on campus; i tried to make sure that CFC isn't becoming my life. i probably joined way too many clubs, you can tell by my grades... but it made me happy to be active on campus. (helped my resume too, haha)
then junior year, things hit bottom. the unhealthy relationship was stripped away from me, clubs became stressful, academics became rigorous. i couldn't find anything that could fill my heart...nothing seemed to be able to take away the pain and the bitterness. though i was surrounded by many friends, i felt like the world has turned against me to make my life a living hell. i didn't really trust anyone with my real problems.
coincidentally (or not), we were learning about our depravity all freaking semester long. being the stubborn and rebellious person that i am, i'm guessing that this was the prime time for each of those bible studies, because i was more than willing to accept it. it was hard not to- reality was in my face.
i remember crying a lot that semester, but also praying a lot. and i remember this one bible study on Job being a man of integrity... it was really encouraging. how only after God has stripped away everything, that we are able to see Job's true integrity. that his faith was in God alone, and not hiding behind his possessions, family or wealth. i remember eric sohn saying that we need to stop complaining and grow up!
mm then last semester (1st semester of senior yr), i was able to take a semester off for a co-op. yea, that was all great, but i truly think it was a much needed break from urbana champaign. during this time, my heart was able to heal and become whole again. i was learning to walk the walk outside of CFC, fighting with a different church. it was a good semester; God showed me that he is everywhere and always with me. =)
it is so weird to think about who i was freshman year. man, i was so much more confident and "cool" back then. sad. i'm a lot more failure these days.......but it is a real blessing to be reminded of God's work.
haha, i just read this, and this was basically a longer version of my testimony from easter. funny how quickly i forget. life moves too fast. i need to remember....and honestly, i still hate this place as much as before... i'm itching to get out as fast as i can. but i know i can grow a lot in this place if i let God do his thing.. it's odd that i'm my own hindrance in this Christian walk.
also- class night was a blessing for another reason. even though i know everyone sins and struggles and whatnot, i guess i always think that cfc people are more holy than i am, that they're better than me. (i dont know my mind is twisted) so it was really good to hear some people's stories... a good reminder that the body of christ is there for a reason.. not just to intimidate me. =)
| | |
|
True
